What exactly is going through my mind? Why do I sometimes feel as if my entire life is spinning out of control? Do I purposely look for problems, or are they real? Sometimes I believe that everything is just inside my head, that I really don't have any problems; I am in fact a pretender. Then suddenly, I come to the realization that I am indeed feeling the way I'm feeling for a reason, that I do in fact feel repulsed within myself for a reason. There are times when I think that I created all the problems that I believe I have for myself, and then other times when I contemplate the fact that nothing was ever my fault, just a chance of circumstance. In my worst times, I cry. I hate myself, and even more I hate the world around me. I despise the fact that I'm here, and I hope only for the day when eventually I will disappear. For a good number of days, months, years I felt the same way. Yet, I exhibited happiness, spontaneity, and jubilance. But, all was a façade, a grand act I put on to fool. I must admit though, those few years of my life were an example of one of my finest performances. The act was so good, that after a while even I started to believe that all was well. It was not until I would find myself alone, by myself, that I would then realize that it was just an imaginary world I had created for myself, and that I needed to stop trying to think that any of it was real. For in fact, it was a menagerie.

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